Deadly Friendships

Short story by @fatijaoui //

Deadly frienships

Nola has suffered a great deal of pain throughout her life. She discovered she had a disease of the mind in her twenties and her life changed forever. She was always grateful for the friends who stood by her during her difficult moments. As a friend, she never asked for much from anyone, and cherished everything she received with all her heart.

Nola was not the type of woman to have high expectations for the people in her life. She rarely expressed her wants or feelings. Her low self-esteem is the biggest burden she has to carry. She never understood how people determined what they deserved. She wondered when she would be able to ask for what she wanted.

Her birthday was just another day on the calendar. She rarely received gifts and her friends often forgot to wish her a happy birthday. She decided not to dwell on it and thought that if she wanted people to remember, she should say something. But she didn't have the strength and questioned why people would care about a day she didn't even care about herself.

Nola was puzzled by the amount of money her friends would spend on each other for weddings. She remembered going broke after spending a significant amount of money on a bachelorette party and a bridesmaid dress. People expected that, it was expected to show up and be lavish in those « happy » moments.

For Nola, it wasn't the money itself that was the problem; it was the way people always seemed to show up during happy events. She was saddened to see that people didn't share this philosophy when it came to sad events. She was hurt that some of her friends didn't bother to pay their respects when her father died. A few weeks later after her father passing, she even attended a wedding because she was loyal. However, the courtesy of loyalty never seemed to apply to her. It dawned on her and she felt like a fool for a long time.

Until one day Nola moved to another state because she felt alone and she wanted at least to feel alone in a place where no one knew her. After a few years, she enjoyed herself and even made new acquaintances. Nola felt that now she could use the distance as an excuse to be a bad friend. After a huge anxiety attack at work, she fell into a severe depression for a few weeks before finally entering the hospital.

Her depression was heavy and surprisingly she found the courage to open her heart. On the first day of her hospital stay, she called her best friends back home and begged them to come see her. She was afraid of hospitals and her previous stays traumatized her after suffering cruel unprovoked violence from the staff. The same friends, who had no issue flying to visit her for fun, quickly misled her by promising they would come. She completely isolated herself after they never showed up. She refused to expect anything from anyone ever again. Nola felt awful because the first time she actually communicated her needs, she was dismissed and cruelly disappointed once again.

Nola was confused when the same friends demanded that she come back home where her friends and family were. The pain in her heart was very deep and she knew their words were empty and they didn't have the power to make her delusional again. Nola could sense the insincerity and saw clearly another betrayal waiting to happen. How convenient it was for them to have her back, only for them not to visit or check on her. After her long stay, she went back to her apartment and swore to herself to never be fooled again.

Disappointment followed her to her deathbed a few months later when she let herself to die of hunger and thirst in her tiny room. After losing her job due to her absence, she knew she wouldn't be able to pay the rent at some point. She survived on her savings for a while, but one day she decided she was tired of surviving.

No more wishing for friends to be decent, no more hoping for people to show her the love she had given so freely for years. No more therapy for healing trauma, and no more focusing on the bright side. No more self-help books to give her a temporary boost. No more Tinder dates for feeling something, anything. No more working like a slave to keep her mind busy instead of reflecting on the emptiness inside of her. No more TV shows to live life through fictional characters. No more journaling to feel like someday she could actually write her memoirs and become the writer her generation needed. No more…

Nola honestly wished she had the strength to move forward and try again. She also honestly wanted to be there for her mother. However, she knew she had no strength to be reborn and start again.

AUTHOR : FATIMA MOUDJAOUI

JANUARY 2023

LAST EDITS: 01/19/2023